Goldy and Tam’s Dodgy Roadtrip- Chapter One: Chicago ft windy kitties, “pizzas” and woolly mammoths

Hello folks – it’s been a while, hey? I’m cranking this ol’ memory bank back up – and I’ve got a corker of an experience to get us started.

Last month, myself and my long suffering gal-pal Tam took ourselves on a bucket-list holiday.  Since reading Neil Gaiman’s American Gods as a teenager, I have always dreamt of visiting the House on the Rock, which appears both in the novel and the recent TV adaptation as the location where the old gods meet to discuss strategies in their battles against the new world gods of Media, Technology and the like, serving as a kind of holy ‘war-room’.

However, the House on the Rock (which I will discuss at length in the second instalment of this blog trilogy) is located in the middle of bum-fuck Wisconsin, with little to keep us entertained in the vicinity, aside from the locals’ collections of fire arms and Trump memorabilia. And so, our road trip – from Chicago, stopping in Dodgeville (where the House on the Rock is located), and culminating in Toronto was devised.

So, let’s start this crazy tale now, shall we?

Our flight to Chicago was long and arduous – having gone for a budget option of Norwegian Air, we found ourselves lacking leg space, functioning in-flight entertainment and adequate sustenance and lubrication for a ten hour flight. On arrival, we taxi-d to our first home away from home, booked through Airbnb for the low, low price of $25 per night for a double room.

Unsurprisingly, what greeted us was certainly cheap, if not cheerful, complete with a cobweb-covered bunk bed, holey walls plugged with tissue paper and a praying mantis guarding the front door. I believe that the surrounding houses on the semi-derelict industrial estate conceal a wide range of addicts and off-brand Halloween monsters.

But still, we weren’t in Chicago to sleep – right? On our first day, we headed out to tap up the Target Halloween range (Tam had never been to a Target before, what a treat!) then browsed an arts and craft market on Printers Row, before settling down with our trinkets for some brunch Bellinis at local eaterie, Bar Louie. We then crossed the city to Boystown in West Lakeview (home to one of the largest LGBT communities in the Midwestern U.S.), for a leisurely meander via coffee shops and thrift stores to the Belmont Harbour. On reaching the water, we sat next to the ‘dog beach’ and watched the pups frolic in the waves, before paying a visit to the 12m tall Kwanusila Totem Pole on the lakefront.

For dinner, we decided to sample the local delicacy of deep-dish pie-crust pizza and so headed to legendary pizzeria, Lou Malnati’s. We had to wait an hour for a table, and unfortunately, when our smallish pizza turned up, it left us cold. You see, it’s not really pizza. With a rock-hard fried crust and stodgy layers of molten cheese and sausage meat, topped in tomato puree, it was more reminiscent of a British quiche and left us both feeling slightly over-cheesed and very nauseous.

Day two brought the rain, so we decided to spend a few hours checking out the relatively local Museum of Science and Industry, which had been recommended by a friend who was very impressed by it’s 3,500-square-foot model railroad. The museum also exhibits a German submarine U-505 captured during WW2, the first diesel-powered streamlined stainless-steel passenger train (Pioneer Zephyr), as well as various other fun interactive attractions; needless to say, a few hours morphed into the entire day.

At closing time, I realised that the local Cat Café, the Windy Kitty, was only open on that day of our trip, so we hot footed it across town to the adoption centre, that opens its doors and hearts to the public to stroke kitties with a wide variety of looks and temperaments (shout out to tiny sassy ginger Karen, to whom many unwitting visitors have lost their blood).

Our next stop was Emporium Arcade Bar for a few games of novelty pinball (Addams Family, Ghostbusters and Tron were all on the menu) before heading to Chicago’s number one tiki bar, Three Dots and a Dash, where I spent an inordinate amount on a limited edition tiki mug. We concluded our day drinking neon cocktails from buckets and singing along to duelling pianos at Howl at the Moon bar.

On our journey back to our hovel (ehem, I mean room) we had to drive through the parade for Mexico’s Independence Day, which consisted of many large expensive cars blocking central streets, with scantily clad teenage girls perilously hanging out of windows, waving flags and joints.

On day three, our heads still slightly foggy from the buckets of the night before, we went to Oz Park, to see the statues of the characters from the famous book, which was authored by Chicago reporter L. Frank Baum. After looping the park a few times in search of the Cowardly Lion (so cowardly that he was well concealed), we went out separate ways for a few hours. While Tam polished off a posh lunch in the centre of the city, I went on a pilgrimage to see the Woolly Mammoth Antiques and Oddities shop. En route, I picked up a very pleasant new friend (I knew we would get on, as he was wearing a Bikini Kill t shirt – one which I happen to also own), who showed me all the best local thrift stores and took me for a traditional southern lunch at Big Jones, featuring biscuits and gravy (my fav!).

Woolly Mammoth, a curiosity cabinet of odd, amusing and eclectic items resurrected from the past, certainly didn’t disappoint – resplendent with fabulously macabre kitsch and tat including, but not limited to, a taxidermied squirrel popping coquettishly out of the barrel of a gun, a genuine Jenny Hanniver and an authentic shrunken head, I was in paradise. The gentleman owner was also incredibly helpful, offering me lots of advice for things to see and do at the next stops on our road-trip. I would strongly recommend a visit.

After leaving my new buddies and tripping face first over an uneven bit of pavement, cutting my knee open, I rejoined Tam at the Cloud Gate in Millenium Park to watch tourists scurry around trying to digitally capture their moment at the metallic monument. We then headed, via a cocktail bar, to Chinatown, where we had the most delicious dim sum I have ever experienced.

In summary, I really enjoyed Chicago. Three days wasn’t really enough time to get a handle on the whole city but, for a taster, it was rather delicious (except for the pizza). I’d love to return some time soon to delve a little deeper – and see the infamous Shit Fountain.

I feel a special shout out should go to the employees at the Dunkin Donuts near 63^rd station on the red line, who consistently managed to get our order completely wrong in new and surprisingly innovative ways.

Stay tuned for episode 2 – featuring the Don Q inn (aka the best hotel I’ve ever stayed in) and the one and only House on the Rock.